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Southern Porch Extension

A place for general chat (non-writing related). Please keep political discussions to the relevant neighborhood forum.

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Fri Mar 07, 2014 6:39 pm

More?

His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan.

So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan
officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the
All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000
and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The
car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title
and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan
and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were
signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
private underground garage and parked it.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good
laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet
and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of
Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real
estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include
a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ole replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was Ole. Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just
because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.

:thumbs :lol: :roll:
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Fri Mar 07, 2014 6:41 pm

Okay, now it's your turn... :thankssign
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:25 pm

A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to The President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

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"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:35 pm

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.

Sincerely,
Taxpayer

P.S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:43 pm

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Fri Mar 07, 2014 10:39 pm

BeachGrandma! Betty! Where are you?

Meanwhile, something for people who love words...


"Lexiphile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, like: you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish, or:

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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RiversidePeace
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:52 am

I loved catching up on all the posts, stories and news.

Where is everyone? I'm not receiving many notfications lately.

Well, I have some news.
We finally had the awnings fitted over the back porch and stairs. One more job done. Just waiting for a fumigator to spray inside and out for wasps, ants, cockroaches, spiders and rodents. Then we can finally have the horrible old airconditioners taken out of the walls and have the walls filled in and prepared for external painting. Almost there.

We fly out to Hobart next Friday for 5 days for my birthday. Can't wait.

Oh…and I received Deb's anthologies permission form for future releases. It's a shame my Heros story won't be printed but that's life. It's prompted me to updated my bio and refocus on my writing future after a long break. Having Mum's poetry book finally published for Dad has taken some outside pressures off, namely siblings. I'll see how my health goes before I dive into finishing my next book. The first 5 chapters have been written for quite awhile. The rest is in my head still. I would like to publish this book and at least one more. but I'll see.

I hope the weather is more pleasant over there. Autumn is certainly in the air here.

Take care all.



Chrissy

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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Sun Mar 09, 2014 1:07 pm

Have a great vacation, Chrissy.

And the puns roll on . . .
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
> 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
> 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
> 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
> 5. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
> 6. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
> 7. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
> 8. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
> 9. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
> 10. MISTY: How golfers create divots
> 11. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
> 12. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
> 13. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
> 14. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
> 15. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
> 16. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
> 17. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
> 18. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
> 19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

Facebook author page: Verna Cole Mitchell
http://www.magnificomanuscripts.com/

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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Sun Mar 09, 2014 1:37 pm

And a couple of favorite posters . . .

I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.

"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for bad hunter.
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

Facebook author page: Verna Cole Mitchell
http://www.magnificomanuscripts.com/

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:57 pm

Those are the best Lexiphile words yet, Verna! :lol: :thankssign :thumbs
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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Verna
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Sun Mar 09, 2014 4:07 pm

Edy, someone sent those to me. I have always loved puns. In the recent 15 years of substituting in a private high school, the students called me the Pun Lady, and would ask me what the pun of the day was. They did not want one I'd read or heard, but one I'd just made up. Admittedly, in the latter years,I had to repeat some. I did tell them that if I thought of them, other people with "punny" minds would also.--but here are a few of their favorites of mine:

wine makers--really long hard homework assignments
free-for-all--a fight nobody has to pay to see.
poetry--what we sit under to write verse
neuron--Ronald McDonald after a face lift
crowbar--where blackbirds go for happy hour
coffee--less than a sneeze fee

I had an entire repertoire of "bull" jokes . . .

chargeable offense--when a cow attacks her husband
compatible--sign you won't see in a petting zoo
parables--I had two, but I sold one.
imaginable--Just close your eyes.
and my students' two favorites:
abominable--Run!
microwavable--But step, way, way back!
Verna

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...
Proverb 17:22

Facebook author page: Verna Cole Mitchell
http://www.magnificomanuscripts.com/

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Sun Mar 09, 2014 4:18 pm

I had a devilish thought while at church this morning. Yeah, that's right...at church of all places. I don't know what came over me.

You see, an old guy (he was about 70) sitting directly in front of me had a hair well over a half-inch long growing straight out from the side of his ear lobe. At first I thought it was just a stray hair fallen from the top of his head, but it never moved. It was definitely attached.

I so much wanted to quietly and quickly reach up from behind with tweezers and yank that hair from his ear lobe. His verbal reaction during the church service would have been interesting, too. Maybe the Pastor would have thought the guy was just saying “AMEN” in a different language.

Well, the deed went undone because I don't normally carry tweezers in my daily carry-along survival kit. That's a probably good thing, too...because maybe he had been cultivating that hair for weeks.

:lol:

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Sun Mar 09, 2014 5:00 pm

You two are hilarious - now if I were so clever I'd figure out a lexiphile definition for that word, too. :P I can see that your students must have loved having you as their teacher, Verna.

And, Don, I know the temptation. I've run into at least a couple people who were cultivating a long misplanted hair. One was a Vietnamese gal who worked for us in the Saigon orphanage. She had a really long one on the side of her face. Originally thought it was a stray from her head, but when I pointed it out, she let me know she cherished her little stray plant. I'm so glad I didn't just tug on it and accidently pull it out. She would have been crushed, I'm sure.

The other is my husband - he has one on his back that I tease him about. But, he wants to keep it too. I can't imagine! :lol:
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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BeachGrandma
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Mon Mar 10, 2014 6:05 am

I've enjoyed reading all these posts! I've often wondered what God had in mind when he created ear hair. I'm always cutting John's off even though he doesn't have that many.

About the IRS, I read this true story one time: A woman became a born-again Christian and wanted to settle some bad things she'd done in her past. She wrote a letter to the IRS confessing that she had cheated the government out of $560. Then she wrote, "I wanted to do something good with the money so I sent $560 to Oral Roberts." :superhappy (True story, no kidding!)

I've been painting, painting and more painting and since I never receive notices from Faith Writers, I completely forgot to check in. I'm so sorry. But I'm caught up reading all the posts now and really enjoyed the humor.

I've had another completely sleepless night so I'll probably snooze away after the boys go to school. I have these nights sometimes but I'm thankful I don't have to go to work the next day. Just wait til you guys get older and have insomnia. hehe Not fun.

Right now I'm heading for the kitchen to make my wonderful oatmeal full of fruits and nuts. Oh yum.

Love you guys! :grouphug3 :grouphug :grouphug3 :grouphug :handshake :hugs2 :hugs3
:grouphug2 :loveyou :loveyou
"I long, O I long to be holy, conformed to His will and His Word.
I long to be gentle and Christ-like; I long to be just like my Lord."

Mariane Holbrook

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BettyDee
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Mon Mar 10, 2014 4:12 pm

Where am I? Well, had a busy weekend wit a belated birthday party for Don. I've also been trying to write, but I am SO stuck! Got a huge case of writer's block I just can't get around at the moment.

Chrissy, sounds like you are making progress on the place. Keep us updated.

Love all the jokes and puns. I've been sitting here reading and laughing the last ten minutes.In fact, it's birdie nap time here and I laughed so hard once or twice I was afraid I was going to wake them. I enjoy them, but they are like toddlers, so I enjoy the peace and quiet when they are resting.

Okay, not to be outdone:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Texas," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Texas too!
Let's have another round to Texas."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Texas?"
"Houston," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks
to Houston."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go too?"
"San Jacinto, replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The Johnson twins are
drunk again!"

A few west Texas weather jokes:

1. "It's been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that haven't learned to swim yet."

2. "Moisture once got so scarce in southwest Texas they had to put stamps on letters with paperclips."

3. A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Texas?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."

4. "Saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit out in West Texas one day and it was so hot they both were walking."
I'm Bound for the Promised Land

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