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Southern Porch Extension

A place for general chat (non-writing related). Please keep political discussions to the relevant neighborhood forum.

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Thu Dec 26, 2013 6:22 pm

:lol: :helpwobble :rolling
You two are funny. Here's another. This just made me have to laugh:

A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says: "Can I help?"
She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil."

No matter what men do, somehow, we still get yelled at...


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RiversidePeace
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:07 pm

*Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. * They charged one - and let the other one off.

* I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

* There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'

* A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

* I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

* The other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the peanuts! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

* I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

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RiversidePeace
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:10 pm

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:16 pm

Don't say this to a Policeman -- ever.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a policeman, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop. No donut.

8. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

9. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

10. I pay your salary I must be your boss.

11. So uh, you on the take or what?

12. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

14. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

15. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

16. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

17. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:20 pm

Okay so I tell bad jokes.

I'll leave you with this one then leave you alone.


A friend told me he was buying his amputee girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas.
It's just a little stocking filler he said.

Bye

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:40 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh, Chrissy, thanks for the big laughs; I'm afraid I will have to share those "bad" jokes - they're pretty good!
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Thu Dec 26, 2013 10:01 pm

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.

"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell."
John 14:6
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri Dec 27, 2013 9:30 am

Oh where, oh where did I store my mittens and ear muffs? Gotta find my long johns, too. Survival gear will soon be needed in our neck of the woods. Toss out any ideas about being fashionable. Artic penguin suits will be required outer-wear to prevent us from turning into human ice cubes.

What's up you say? Well, on Saturday our temp will be in the mid-thirties, but will crash on Sunday and continue that way for the rest of the week.

They are saying we will then have BELOW ZERO HIGH temps. They will be in negative territory during the "heat" of the day. That's enough to give polar bears the shivers and make their teeth chatter. :brrr

Hawaiian palm trees and warm sand beaches would be mighty inviting next week. Aloha!!! :wink:

Wait!!! I won't go there now. Mr. Obama is camping out there and dipping his toes in the surf for three weeks. Waikiki Beach will probably freeze over! :roll:

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:17 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks for the chuckles, this morning, Don!

On the Third Day of Christmas, I have some of the most exciting news from another Faithwriter posting on Facebook. And, how appropriate to learn of this discovery during the Christmas season!

Frankincense Superior to Chemotherapy in Killing Late-Stage Ovarian Cancer Cells
http://www.greenmedinfo.com/blog/franki ... ncer-cells

Then go to this link to read more, abstracts, other discoveries:
http://www.greenmedinfo.com/search/gmi/ ... lic%20acid

Ovarian cancer isn't the only study. Auto-immune and other inflammatory disorders, including osteoarthritis, find benefits from frankincense. I looked for shopping links, and found the generic name, boswellia or boswellic acid, at Puritan's Pride, where we shop for food supplements.

The new year looks bright on the horizon, thanks be to God!
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:24 pm

"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

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BettyDee
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BettyDee » Sat Dec 28, 2013 7:14 pm

Reading and snorting and laughing. Good ones! Don, we tell your joke here in west Texas, only we say we just got a half inch. :lol:

Chrissy, I've seen a similar list of what not to say to cops, but in parentheses after the first one about the beer, it said, "Okay in Texas." haha!

Want to tell everyone we will be gone to the Texas coast for an extended period, so I might not be posting too often. I can't say exactly when we are going or when we will return, for obvious reasons. Of course I trust everyone here, but anyone can read this, so I'm just being cautious. Then again, I might just be busy working on my book if I don't pop by as often. You figure it out. :tongue

Edy, I admire people who do the twelve days of Christmas. After the 25th, I am ready to be done with it for another year.

Does anyone have any special New year's Eve or New Year's Day plans? We're so old, we'll probably go to bed long before midnight on New Year's Eve.
Last edited by BettyDee on Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Sat Dec 28, 2013 8:27 pm

BettyDee wrote:
Does anyone have any special New year's Eve or New Year's Day plans? We're so old, we'll probably go to bed long before midnight on New Year's Eve.


Well, I'll likely be hitting the sack about 9:00 or 9:30 (my normal bedtime) on New Years Eve. I can't imagine any good reason for staying up to bring in the new year.

On New Year's Day I'll probably toss some wood into the fireplace and catch some of the Rose Bowl parade. Then, I'll watch some football in the afternoon. For dinner I'm planning to make Chicken Chow Mein from a good recipe - served with some Jasmine rice.

I'm boring, I know!

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:07 pm

Since I'm a nightowl, I'll more than likely still be up when the New Year rolls in. But, hubby hasn't shared that event in all the time we've been married, as I recall. New Year's Day we may spend some of the daylight hours visiting local family...and extending the Christmas season rest and recreation. We don't like being out after dark if we can help it.

I found this link for everybody: http://www.shutterstock.com/s/12+days+o ... earch.html

You see, Betty, the secret is to limit Advent to preparations (although our calendar is usually so filled with events we old folks get too exhausted to do much preparing!). I think in the Scandinavian countries, the tree isn't set up until Christmas Eve. It's like the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top of the cake or banana split. Then begins the restful time of enjoying one another's labors throughout the rest of the season.

But, to each his own! :hugs2 I just don't like letting go of the most delightful time of the year. :wink:
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
The Power of Story
We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
Essentially Lutheran
My StoriesMy Blog:The Prairie Nightingale

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:33 pm

I know a family that will usually set up their Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. Their main reason for doing that is they can't seem to get themselves organized enough to do it earlier.

Their life is constant chaos. It's been that way ever since I've known them - about 40 years.

Their tree often stays up until late January or longer because they just don't get around to taking it down earlier.

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:12 am

My poor dog...

Yesterday the temperature was in the mid-forties causing lots of melting, but the expected cold wave came through during the night. The temp outside now is zero, and will become lower throughout the day.

Yesterday's moisture quickly froze and is making loud cracking noises on the deck boards as the ice contracts. Of course my dog needed to go outside this morning to take care of business. All was quiet at that moment.

She was in mid-squat when an extra loud noise happened. It sounded like a sonic boom. The poor dog launched herself straight up in the air and made fast tracks for the door.

She looked at me as if to say, "Let me in, dad! Quick! I think I've been shot!

Once in the safety of the house, she dived under her blanket and hasn't moved since. She won't want to go outside again until spring. :lol:

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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