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Southern Porch Extension

A place for general chat (non-writing related). Please keep political discussions to the relevant neighborhood forum.

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deejay
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby deejay » Wed Oct 09, 2013 1:45 pm

Too many churches are also afraid to teach on Hell, too. Then there are the social justice churches, that spend too much time fighting for social justice, and hardly if ever teach the Bible or salvation. Churches were never meant to be "bless me clubs". Look to Jesus as our example. He never went out preaching that the government needed to do more to lift the poor and needy out of their circumstances--the Bible says much about how God protects the poor and needy; look at the widow with the two mites--nor did He try to overthrow the Roman government. He went after people's hearts and souls, winning them for His Kingdom. He met them where they were, and helped them more than any social program or change of government ever could have.

In a recent copy of the Christian Business and Professional Directory, sometimes called the Christian Yellow Pages, there was the story of a lifesaving organization that had a shack and a rowboat to rescue people from shipwrecks that happened frequently along the shore. Then the community, grateful for their service, got them new boats and built them a new building. It got to the point where members made it into a club, with a rowboat and other rescue items to display their origins. When a shipwreck occurred, there was a diverse group of people who were rescued. So they built showers outside for these people to use. Later it got to the point when some members demanded they stop being a social club and get back to the business of rescuing shipwrecked people, they club members kicked them out. So these people built themselves a new shack, used their rowboat, and rescued people while the club smugly praised themselves for their past rescues and how they were better than those who actually rescued people. But before that, many people drowned while the club members did nothing for them.
Sadly, that's what churches are turning into--but not ours. We're in the trenches, and the enemy hates us and tries to attack, but we have Jesus on our side.

ready2go
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:18 pm

Okay, this is no joke. I need input of your most evil, scheming ideas to help with a problem that has been plaguing me...and I need 'em quick!

Some smart xxx kid about 9 or 10 years old has been ringing my doorbell between 5:00 and 5:30pm the past three days. Then, he jumps on his bicycle and pedals up the street as fast as he can go while looking back over his shoulder toward my house.

By the time I get to my front window to see who is there (I never open the door without first knowing), he is half a block up the street. I've never seen the little twerp before. By the way, he has an accomplice who stands guard in the street while his partner in crime is ringing the doorbell.

I've kept watch a bit, and they don't ring other doorbells. They probably heard that some old duffer lives alone in the house, and decided to have fun hassling him. My concern is that if they don't get some reaction out of me, they will think of other more adventurous things to do...like, prop open my back yard gates to let my dog escape. THEN, THEY WOULD KNOW WHAT TROUBLE IS ALL ABOUT!

I'd like to trap the little brat, and I have thought of a few ways.
1) I could hide outside behind my stone flower box within reach of the door without being seen. Then, wring his scrawny little neck.
2) I could set up an overhead, remote controlled, drop-down net to trap him.
3) A remote controlled tazer might work.
4) Build a trap door on the porch floor with a deep pit below.
5) Set up a loud recording of mad, snarling pit bulls that would begin when the door bell is touched.
6) I could ignore them and just put up with it until our cold weather sets in. Sub zero days would probably keep them home.

The only problem with just putting up with them is that I shouldn't need to do that. I don't need hassles from those little creeps or anyone else.

Any ideas?

Don
John 14:6
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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:42 pm

Well, Don, with Halloween decorations going up around the neighborhood, you could have some fun scaring your little pest. How about a big rubber tarantula hanging right over the welcome mat?

Here's a link for ideas: http://spoonful.com/halloween/halloween ... collection I like the plastic milk bottles with felt-tip marker faces and battery lights inside.

Then, again, perhaps the little fellow is on a mission of mercy and just doesn't have the nerve to complete the assignment. You could hang a poster on the front door: "I've noticed you at my door, and I'm wondering what you want and why you don't wait for me to open the door. I promise I won't bite." Add a picture of a cute dog cut from a magazine.

This sounds like another opening for a tingly mystery story! :shocked
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:29 am

Don, can you short circuit the door bell so he gets a non-fatal zap? :mrgreen:

heehee...I love the old buzzer handshaker things.

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:16 am

Edy wrote:Well, Don, with Halloween decorations going up around the neighborhood, you could have some fun scaring your little pest. How about a big rubber tarantula hanging right over the welcome mat?

Here's a link for ideas: http://spoonful.com/halloween/halloween ... collection I like the plastic milk bottles with felt-tip marker faces and battery lights inside.

Then, again, perhaps the little fellow is on a mission of mercy and just doesn't have the nerve to complete the assignment. You could hang a poster on the front door: "I've noticed you at my door, and I'm wondering what you want and why you don't wait for me to open the door. I promise I won't bite." Add a picture of a cute dog cut from a magazine.

This sounds like another opening for a tingly mystery story! :shocked


I seriously doubt that this enterprising 9-10 year old would be stricken with fear at the sight of a rubber spider dangling from a string, or faces drawn on plastic milk jugs. His twin brother (if he has one) is probably packing heat.

As you know from the news, 9 year old's in our fair city are into stealing trucks, crashing into police cars, and accumulating frequent flyer miles to Vegas without buying a ticket.

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:37 am

RiversidePeace wrote:Don, can you short circuit the door bell so he gets a non-fatal zap? :mrgreen:

heehee...I love the old buzzer handshaker things.


Hey, I like that idea!

However...problems could develop if the UPS or Fed-X delivery guys were to get zapped. The thought of our Dept. of Homeland Security or police swat teams surrounding my house at 2:00am or 3:00am would be a bit unnerving. They tend to get jumpy over the possibility of terrorist activity.

The neighbors might get upset if they woke up to the sound of gunfire and clouds of teargas right next door. My poor dog might even pee on the floor.

Handcuffs would be confining if I had a need to scratch my nose during the endless hours of interrogation. Also, water-board torture is not a pleasant thought either.

I would do my best to not spill your name to the authorities for suggesting the zapper idea.

However, a doorbell zapper is still a good idea. I should work on ways to debug the system to avoid unintended damage that might trigger any red flag action. I can be creative when I put my mind to it.

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Verna » Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:10 am

Don, How about a bag of cookies on the front porch with a big sign--For the young man who rings the doorbell and runs: Thanks for not ringing my doorbell and running again, and may God bless you. --Just a thought.
More flies with honey, you know!
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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:48 am

Verna wrote:Don, How about a bag of cookies on the front porch with a big sign--For the young man who rings the doorbell and runs: Thanks for not ringing my doorbell and running again, and may God bless you. --Just a thought.
More flies with honey, you know!


Verna, you always bring the fragrance of Jesus out of the shadows. I like your idea best of all. :hugs2
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:23 pm

Edy wrote:
Verna wrote:Don, How about a bag of cookies on the front porch with a big sign--For the young man who rings the doorbell and runs: Thanks for not ringing my doorbell and running again, and may God bless you. --Just a thought.
More flies with honey, you know!


Verna, you always bring the fragrance of Jesus out of the shadows. I like your idea best of all. :hugs2



Party poopers. :tongue

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby RiversidePeace » Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:26 pm

Just kidding of course.

Perhaps a sign would work but cookies...I'm no so sure. The kid might think they're poisoness. Perhaps a candy bag that is shop-sealed.


Chrissy

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:23 pm


It doesn't take much for kids to find someone to bother even on a small scale, then it escalates into something big. A case in point was a man in the town we used to live in who always hollered when a boy rode his bike across his lawn. Then a couple of more boys joined in, waving at the man, and laughing as they rode down the street. The boys got bolder and threw some rotten tomatoes at the house after dark. A couple more boys joined in the fun and they threw eggs at the side of the house and on the window screens. Eggs leave a terrible permanent stain on homes and cleaning eggs from screens is an almost impossible job, The more the man yelled, the more damage they did to his house and landscaping. The police kept surveillance, with no success. Eventually, more than a dozen boys were having the time of their lives terrorizing this man.Finally, they were caught but the man was so nervous by then that he moved out of the neighborhood. We always felt that if the man had just ignored the first boy that the fun would have been taken out of it. Just a thought.
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I long to be gentle and Christ-like; I long to be just like my Lord."

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forHIM
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby forHIM » Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:44 am

I am thinking of all of you . . .with much love. God bless my porch friends forever ,,, Amen . . .
When God calls me to account, what will I answer Him? Job 31:14

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby ready2go » Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:47 am

forHIM wrote:I am thinking of all of you . . .with much love. God bless my porch friends forever ,,, Amen . . .


Debby! Long time no hear from you.

How are you doing in that new house?

Don
John 14:6
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

"My Journey To Jesus"
http://faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=41225

http://faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=18654

"The Israel Connection"
http://theisraelconnection.blogspot.com/

"I have a story to tell...the saving gospel to share...and the fire of the Holy Spirit burning deep within my soul."

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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby BeachGrandma » Sat Oct 12, 2013 1:42 pm


Debby !! So good to hear from you, sweetheart! Please let us know how you've been and what's been going on in your life. We love hearing from you!

Someone sent me the following this morning and it was good for a few laughs:

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports).
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this Officer.
• This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. :thumbs
"I long, O I long to be holy, conformed to His will and His Word.
I long to be gentle and Christ-like; I long to be just like my Lord."

Mariane Holbrook

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Edy
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Re: Southern Porch Extension

Postby Edy » Sat Oct 12, 2013 5:54 pm

Mariane, you gave me a smiley face and a chuckled throat, reading those report entries. I've had to write (and receive) a few "OERs" (officer efficiency reports) in my day, but even if I had been clever enough to come up with such great one-liners, I wouldn't have dared to use them. :lol: But, I do have to share these with some of my military buddies.

Thanks for giving us the enjoyment, dear heart!
"Jesus Never Fails!" Love, Edy
The Gospel is such Good News even Christians don't believe it!
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We are the third temple! Acts 7:48, 1 Peter 2:4-5
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