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Mammoth error

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Dave Walker
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Mammoth error

Postby Dave Walker » Wed Dec 18, 2013 3:08 pm

Hi. I think I must have hit the wrong button when I went to enter for the Elephant in the Room Writing Challenge, as I was disappointed to find that it was not among the entries.
I'd love to air it, so here it is.Feedback would be much appreciated as it's a step into a new kind of writing for me and I'm not sure how it goes down.

Confronting my Man of God

Nolene resolved to do it today. Yes, her man was a good man, but there was an issue that needed to be resolved and it couldn't wait any longer. Once he came back from work, she'd make time and settle it for good.

The problem had arisen when they'd moved into these cramped lodgings -- especially as he had invited their three sons to live with them. True, they had their own quarters and the sons were kept busy all day working with their dad, but that left her to deal with the wives.

Not that they didn't get on, but living in one another's pockets was wearing on the nerves. What was that saying she'd heard? Relatives and fish go off after a week. Well, it had been three weeks. She knew that couldn't be helped, given the circumstances -- there was nowhere for them to go -- they couldn't kick out their own children even if they were adults; they'd drown in that harsh, wicked world out there. So, confined as the quarters were, she'd have to put up with the girls while their boys found employment with their dad.

But that wasn't the problem she wanted to address. That was relatively small (she laughed at her thought. Very punny!) No, there was a far weightier problem and it couldn't wait any longer.

She moved into their tiny kitchen, poured herself a juice, put the vegetables on to boil and sat to wait for her man.

An hour later he came bursting through the door. He was a huge muscular man with a booming voice. "Hello, wife, darling. What a day! That place is a zoo out there!" He was filthy and smelled awful, and that was part of what she wanted to talk to him about -- it had to do with his work. But first things first. What was that saying she'd heard? The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach!

"I've cooked your favourite vegetables. Supper's ready."

He beamed and gave her a bear hug. She held her breath and tried to look affectionate.

After supper she sat beside him and waited for the right moment. It wasn't long coming. He put his husky arm around her. "So, how was your day? Go anywhere interesting, in spite of the rain?" He was joking, of course. Where did he think she could go? She loved this ebullient, fun-loving man with his quirky sense of humour. How could she confront him?

"My day was not bad, Man of God." She had nicknamed him that ever since he'd had an encounter with the living God, which had led to their present cramped circumstances. "But there is something I need to talk to you about. There's something troubling me. Both of us know about it, but neither of us talks about it. I don't want anything to come between us, Darling Man. I respect you enormously, but since you heard from God, our lives have not been the same." She looked at him with troubled eyes.

"Don't misunderstand me. I greatly admire your obedience. We'd be in deep waters were it not for God and for your submission. I'm just saying maybe you don't always hear Him completely in the little things. There's an elephant in the room, Man of God, and we're not dealing with it. We both know about it, but we skirt around it and ignore it and try to pretend it's not there. Sometimes I don't think you even notice what it's doing to us, but it keeps us apart. When you come home I want to be close to you all the time, but how can I when there's this big thing between us? I'm sure it's affecting the boys, too and their wives. They notice it. They don't come to visit us much, though their rooms are just across the way."

He squeezed her shoulder. "Honey, I didn't realise you were so troubled. You should have said so before. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Take it away."

"What? Take it away?"

"Yes, take it away so we can be free to enjoy one another. I don't think you heard God right on this one, Man of God. There's another place for it."

Noah sighed, looked at his wife, then looked at the elephant. "I suppose you're right. I could probably find room for him with the dinosaurs."

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Shann
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Re: Mammoth error

Postby Shann » Wed Dec 18, 2013 8:00 pm

Oh this is a hoot. I totally did not see the ending coming. I loved the way you managed to weave the literal meaning with the adage meaning together. It's a shame this didn't get entered because it is an outstanding piece of work. The Man of God felt a little awkward to me when I was reading it thinking it was set in modern times, but now that I am at the end it makes perfect sense. If you were to ever tweak it, I might consider changing that or coming up with a different nickname, though on the other hand it's also fun to go back and see the clues you left that I missed. Great piece from beginning to end and one of my favorites this week. You may want to go to the Brick tossing thread and leave a link to here so more people can see it. Just explain it didn't get entered. I think as many people as possible need to read this because it was such a delightful read.
Shann

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judi
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Re: Mammoth error

Postby judi » Thu Dec 19, 2013 7:52 pm

A mammoth error is the perfect title for this engrossing story. Thank you for this delightful story. At first glance I thought you were addressing Mrs. Claus, but happily saw you missed that mark this season. The weather helped with that, rain instead of snow! Thank you Dave, and thank you too Shann - for posting this for us all to enjoy. This is a winner for sure! :coolsign
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Congratulations to all who not only win acclaim for your incredibly beautiful entries, but also to all contributing who feel His Holy Spirit move within us as we write to honor Him - all these wondrous heartbeats of praise to YHWH! I love you all.

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amilli
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Re: Mammoth error

Postby amilli » Sun Dec 22, 2013 10:35 pm

This is an attention-grabber for sure... I was excited to discover the twist & it really paid off. Well done. I didn't quite get the title, but I totally loved the story presented. I would have never figured the story of Noah! Keep writing. :clap
Amelia

My writing is a passion, not a hobby!

jo555
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Re: Mammoth error

Postby jo555 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:06 pm

Ha! The ending was great. You got me dude. Serious throughout, then the funny punch line. I don't know if you meant it to be funny, but it gave me a good, "Ha."

Personally, for me, I would have liked more emphasis in the beginning about her concerns about bringing it up to Noah. Like maybe in the beginning you could have gone with her challenges and struggles (inner conflict) to question his decision, especially since she was aware he had heard from God. Go into her internal dialogue.

But that's me (my personal tastes). Overall, I thought you presented the story wonderfully.
People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord looks upon the heart - Proverbs

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buckspub
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Re: Mammoth error

Postby buckspub » Wed Mar 12, 2014 5:14 pm

LOL! Loved it!

Like Shann, the Man of God nickname threw me off when it was introduced but by the end you brought it all together and made it work.

I definitely look forward to reading more of your stories.

:-)

Buck


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