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hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

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faith2move
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hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby faith2move » Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:09 pm

A Different Silent Night
A holy hush across the land; deep in the heart of every man.
Faces turned toward heavens high; the time is near the Saviors nigh.
Worship ye the Lord of Host; all of ye from least to most.
Angels sing from up above; receive all ye the gift of love.
Prepare the way; it won’t be long; His saints He gives a different song.
With heart’s desire the bride awaits; to enter into heavens gates.
The wine is poured the table set; in the clouds the groom is met.
Creations cry won’t be ignored; soon to come all things restored.
Nations bow on bended knee; as they see the coming King.
His temple comes; it knows no night, His glory is eternal light.
His throne is in Jerusalem; the King of Kings the Great I Am.
He rules and reigns forever more; home at last they weep no more.
The greatest gift was never sold; truth demands that it be told.
Salvation through the Fathers Son; He offers life to everyone.
Thousands will be dressed in white; on this very special night.
Fill your lamps He’s coming soon; the heavens set a blood red moon.
Slumber not or you’ll be late; as angels open heaven’s gate.
A bless’ed day to one and all; it is my prayer all hear Him call.

jo555
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby jo555 » Mon Jan 14, 2013 9:31 pm

I enjoyed this, and I love how it paints the gospel in such an attractive light, for, afterall, it is. We have been given "Good News" to proclaim.

You fit alot of the Gospel message in it, and it was nicely, smoothly, strung together, like a pearl necklace.

The only thing, I don't quite get how it is a different silent night, as your title states. Can you clarify?

And, you left out the apostrophe in heaven's gate. Patting myself on my back. I'm not the best with grammar and have to pay attention for that to catch it. Hope it helps.

Again, lots packed in here, and nicely done in my book. Lovely pearls.

Thanks for sharing.

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Shann
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby Shann » Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:58 pm

This is really beautiful. I think it has a lovely flow and the rhymes flow nicely too.

I did notice you left the apostrophe off of several possessive items. I'm not sure if that was just an error or a choice in style, though you use other punctuation so I think it's an over site. Here are just a few that I caught : Creations cry, heavens high, Saviors nigh.(This one I think isn't possessive but a contraction for the Savior is nigh. Either way it still needs an apostrophe.) heavens gates, (You may also want a semicolon or comma for this line: The wine is poured\;/ the table set; in the clouds the groom is met. I think personally it might flow better for the reader if you do it like this: The wine is poured;the table set. In the clouds, the groom is met.) Fathers Son And I'm not sure why you do have an apostrophe in a blessed night. I think it must have been a typo since there isn't a letter that is missing from the word like in e'er

I do see why it is a different silent night as it reflects the second coming of Christ or at least that was my interpretation. I wonder if Another Silent Night might help people understand. I do think you did a lovely job. Oh and this is a great place to get feedback for it! If you are a gold or platinum member (a paying one) you may want to check out the Critique Circle as that is an awesome place to get a thorough feedback. :D
Shann

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Sometimes God calms the storm; Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child

faith2move
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby faith2move » Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:58 am

Thank you both so much. A different silent night is a picture of the Second Coming....a night different from all of the rest. My spirit cries, awake , awake o' sleeper...The bride groom is coming.God bless, and again, thank you.

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tomoral
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby tomoral » Tue Jan 15, 2013 10:06 am

All I can comment on is your beautiful writing, as I have trouble with apostrophes myself. All my good grades in English left me over the years.
I can say I think the words you write are wonderful and you poem is excellent. :bow
God Bless the beasts and the children
Give them shelter from the storms.
Children are our tomorrow
Keep them daily from the sorrow
Of the beasts in life

http://www.faithwriters.com/websites/my ... p?id=57394

sonyaluvsjesus
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby sonyaluvsjesus » Wed Feb 27, 2013 5:27 pm

I am bad on critiques I think :) I love a lot of stuff! Hey, God made me an encourager, what can I say? Anyway, I AM a poet also and have a big pet peeve about the flow of a poem - the right number of syllables so it sounds right, so I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY at this one! It flows so beautifully.

Of course you know the reason that it is important, I am sure. You are reading along, caught up in the flow, the message being conveyed beautifully and then - CLUNK! - a line with not enough or too many syllables! It breaks the flow and the mood in lost sooo easy. Anyway, I loved it and I am gonna (in my spare time - Ha!) read some more of you. Good luck with this piece and all the rest! :D

Flowthrume
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby Flowthrume » Thu May 23, 2013 1:46 am

This poem makes me want to shout "amen"!
Though, when I read this out loud to myself, my tongue had trouble with the ending.

faith2move wrote:A bless’ed day to one and all; it is my prayer all hear Him call.


I believe the problem with this line stems from the three a-l-l words in it.
Would you consider "A bless'ed day to one and all; it is my prayer you've heard the call"?
Anyway, great writing! Keep up the good work. :)

DonnaEdgar
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Re: hope I am posting this in the right place for feedback

Postby DonnaEdgar » Thu May 23, 2013 9:43 am

I loved it. It is the perfect word picture for our Lord's coming. It flowed. I was caught up with the way you "painted" the poem. I do agree with Flowthrume about the ending.
God bless you and keep up the good work.
Donna


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