Critique please

[rleavers]

removed

[Shann]

Because the deadline is not over until Thursday, perhaps you can add to it just a bit and still enter. (If you do, come back and edit this post and delete it, as any submissions for the challenge have to remain anonymous until the judging is done.)

I just noticed some technical things. You may want to consider adding a comma between the cut and after.
Sins should be sin's or sins'
Deaths = Death's and ignite should be ignites--unless death is meant to be plural Deaths' reign ignite or death's reign ignites

I think it is really beautiful. I wonder if maybe you add a scripture quote at the bottom to both back up your message and to add some more words. I think you have amazing talent. poetry Isn't my strongest genre as I am tone deaf, but this seems to just flow right off the page and really touched my heart. You have a way with words for sure.

Maybe you could add a few more lines about his birth and the crucifixion as well as the Holy Spirit. Though I think it is beautiful as it is. Every writer will tell you that they tweak their work over and over. It's nearly impossible to perfect a piece in one's lifetime, let alone for one week. I think you are off to a great start and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

[rleavers]

Thanks for your input I think I will do some more work on it and see if I can bring up the word count.
Ralph
GOD is GOOD!!!

[lish1936]

An opinion from one who merely dabbles with poetry.

I love the cadence and rhyming.
A possible suggestion is to add another stanza after "Death ignites" that would tell what death ignited. I know you address that in other stanzas, but this might be a good place to add to it.

Even though the following lines maintain the rhyming pattern, and I think I know what you meant to say, I wonder about the meaning.

Death defeated
Our Risen Lord

The meaning here as one reads it is in direct opposition to the fact. Our Lord defeated death, but that reads as just the opposite. So you would have to add something to clarify it. Perhaps,

Death defeated
By our risen Lord

Since Strength Love and Wisdom Life are different concepts, I would use a comma between them. Also, I'm not sure if this still holds, but in the past, it was my understanding that authors should try not to use the topic of the week as a title. With such a beautiful poem, I'm sure you could come up with an equally beautiful title to fit it.

You did a super job of describing man's fall and ultimate redemption.

Blessings,

Lillian

[lish1936]

Yikes!
Yes, please, please read and delete, as Shann said. I hope I didn't disqualify this. Maybe I should have sent it as a PM.

Lillian

[Shann]

I don't think it needs to be disqualified because we are allowed to get critiques from others, but they should be done via PM or emails.

When I read that line that Lillian mention I think you can fix it with punctuation

Death defeated,
Our Risen Lord

Death defeated,
Our Lord arose (But I think that messes up the rhythm)

Actually, though punctuation or lack of it is a big style choice, I think adding punctuation throughout will help the reader better understand.

You should delete this ASAP though, just in case a judge meanders by and to keep the contest fair. We are allowed to use critique groups and challenge buddies to help with things that Lillian mentioned so i don't think you are breaking any rules, but you should do that all behind the scenes.

[rleavers]

Thanks, I am new to this I will delete it now. Your input is greatly appreciated.
Ralph